What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 03:15
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Ive learnt so much.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She found it foreign!.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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Where the ultimate outsiders.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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So, i spoilt her more .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was seconnd youngest,
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
So whats the point in blame.
This is soul school!.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Why am I attracted to older men?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We white women don't like white men. Do you have any issue with that?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
One cannot live in the past .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Why would my husband cheat on me with an ugly fat woman?
My life is so biszare .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
What are some reasons why men may not want to date a woman who can pay her own bills?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was very sick at this time too.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
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Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I will be 64.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I have no regrets .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Why did i forgive my father ?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Put me off passion for life!!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I think the readers, may guess!
Comes on , in middle age.
Who then, do I blame.?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Would this be the day?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But, we were locked up after school.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
All the time i was locked up.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He resisted the act ,that day.
She married twice! .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
It was going to be , some day.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I was 9 years of age.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But it wasn’t much.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I waited trembling.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She wouldn,t have been !
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My family never makes their pension either.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I write beautiful poetry .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
We were not on the streets..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She loved him until the end.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He knew the spot.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I don,t even have a pension.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She was in good health!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We all went to grammer schools
As i do to all so called friends.?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And i lived it daily.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I could never make a relationship work though!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I was scared of men, in general
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
What did i know ?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Im still living with it.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Especially a lifetime of it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But ive been too sick for many years..
When she asked me how she looked .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I said to her
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.